Commish's Corner: Newsletter Exclusive

 

CLBB Week 1 Recap

 

1.      Rowdy Rhinos vs The Mojo Moments – CLBB Preseason rankings had Sloan at 7^th and what a mistake that was. I don’t know which would do more damage in a China shop between Rowdy Rhinos and a wannabe New Zealander wielding a former professional baseball player’s bat, but after this week my money is on Rowdy Rhinos. The Rhinos went ahead and dropped 124.26 while simultaneously stealing all of Max’s Mojo. Right now, The Mojo Moments are just looking for one singular Mojo Moment. Fat Bastard gave Austin his Mojo back in Jay Roach’s 1999 classic, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. Seng’s team better find this leagues Fat Bastard to help him get his Mojo back quickly.

 

2.      Glenn’s vs Daddys Home – It was a close game but not really. Glenn’s was able to secure the game heading into Monday night’s game with the dub. The three headed beast of Kamara, Chubb, and Harris was looking like a two headed beast until Melvin Gordon said hold my beer. Both teams had red hot benches with Lockett and Samuel exploding for 20+ points each so expect these two owners to find themselves bottom of the coaches ranking after week 1. Glenn’s owner was seen leaving the team’s facilities a little pale in the face. When questioned if he felt fine the owner replied: “We have to face Montgomery at least two more times? God help us.” First carry of the season was a 41-yard run. Montgomery is going to be a problem for all owners this year…watch out.

 

3.      Florida Man vs The Demi God Strikes Back – If you questioned the powers and abilities of this Demi-God think again. Another flawless victory that went exactly according to plan. Workman was seen floating on cloud 9 to his new 933 square foot apartment in Raleigh, North Carolina. Reporters asked for comments and the only reply from Workman was: “That is what happens when you let me get Adams at fair market value. BOTS!” Meanwhile, Florida Man was seen feeding his players bath salts before the game. Some analysts speculate that was the reason Barkley and Henry combined for 10.4 points. If the Florida antics continue don’t expect many wins coming from this team this year. Have you ever had to bounce back from a bath salts stupor? It’s difficult to say the least, but this team has no choice but to try against Daddys Home in week 2.

 

4.      big oof vs My Dads Drinking Problem – The two tallest owners in the league faced off week 1 and history was made. For the first time in the league’s history Patrick McFarland lost in week 1. Not only was history made but big oof, “the worst team,” scored the most points of any team in week 1 and finds itself top of the standings. Many analysts from around the league question the decisions of McFarland to not play a defense this week. If only he picked up the 27-point defense on the waivers he would have won. Some speculate that McFarland’s Father’s Drinking Problem may have become his own as he finds himself with a 0-1 record and an empty roster spot. CLBB analyst Glenn’s believes this is a minor setback for the 2X Champ. We here at CLBB believe McFarland has found clarity amongst his team and will look to match the levels of Rowdiness the Rhinos bring week in week out and beat them at their own game come week 2 vs the Rowdy Rhinos.

 

 

GLEEEEEN’S of the Week: Amari Cooper, 25.90 points and a moral victory to ‘Dem Cowboys

big oof of the Week: Aaron Jones, 2.20 points and an overall shellacking for the Packers

Dockett Add of the Week: Motion to add IR Spots to the regular season

Drink of the Week: Krista’s Pitcher of Rum Punch

 

John Tyler Mullaney Power Rankings:

1.      Rowdy Rhinos (Stonk Watch: +6)

2.      The Demi-God Strikes Back (Stonk Watch: +4)

3.      big oof (Stonk Watch: +5)

4.      Glenn’s (Stonk Watch: +/- 0)

5.      Daddys Home (Stonk Watch: -4)

6.      My Dads Drinking Problem (Stonk Watch: -3)

7.      The Mojo Moments (Stonk Watch: -2)

8.      Florida Man (Stonk Watch: -6)