Year IX: The Vote That Rocked Bragging Rights

 From the desk of Max Seng

100 Insurance Dr, Ste 69

Hickory, NC 28601

‘Twas a humid June night in the heart of downtown Wilmington, an evening like many others. The streets bustled with patrons of local shops, restaurants, and bars while above them in the second story of a nondescript building located a block from Cape Fear River, history was being made.

In that building, seven of the eight owners of the world-renowned Bragging Rights fantasy football league sat, entrenched in their annual “Summit”, the namesake of an annual gathering that marks the first official act of the new season.

Team owner Alex Sloan (Sound Financial, parking attendant Alpha) read off each topic that had been mentioned, texted, whispered in the shadows to be voted on at the annual gathering, and several votes were settled quickly.

Keeping the league at 8 members quickly passed, trading waiver budget points was decided that it would be explored with Steve entering a room (everyone agreed they’d like to see the room) and suddenly, Sloan read off the topic of an auction draft.

The idea of an auction draft was foreign, deemed reckless by some, in that it may provide TOO large of a dependency on Sound Financial decisions to dictate the season. It had been brought up in prior Summits, but quickly shut down due to team owner Tyler Larned stationed overseas (tyfys) and thus would be too difficult to bid without everyone in person.

The topic was brought up by Sloan, and a healthy, rational and non-sober discussion ensued. All in attendance agreed if Ty couldn’t make it, the auction draft was off. But if he could be in attendance (murmurs ensue) the league voted to hold the first auction draft in league history.

The vote passed 5 to 2 if memory serves the author correctly. And thus, the skeleton rules were carved out of a $200 budget, with each respective owner nominating a player round by round, until their teams were filled.

Below are the details of how each owner has been preparing for the auction draft, compiled from hundreds of hours of interviews from CLBB sources around the globe.

Glenn’s

Our draft host this year started his simulations right away. Even if he didn’t agree with the vote, he damn sure wasn’t going to be the dipshit looking up in round 14 with $35 to name, and David Montgomery as his RB1.

Many recall last year’s epic Smash Bros matches to determine draft order in pick preference, several recall LeLink openly deriding a few owners and their choice of Smash Bro warrior. To his credit, for each of his claims of different spartans not faring well in his trial runs, each held true to their underwhelming performance when the lights came on.

To replicate his practice this year, he’s taken to simulating the season by repurposing his youth soccer practices as football scrimmages, using some of the Raleigh area U12 players to figure out which skill players will fare well, and which will end up being Weak Sauce using a calculated conversion system projecting the speed, weight and overall production from the summer CASL U12 scene to NFL football.

Official statements from CASL have claimed these reports as patently false, that the fees parents have paid for their kids to refine their first touch and weak foot are being used in good faith. LeLombardi denied comment, only saying he’s teaching life lessons to these kids.

After Quentin Nelson of the Indianapolis Colts suffered a serious lower body injury, sources say LeBlanc was high on Jonathan Taylor’s potential at the time and wanted to see how the Colts offensive line would react in simulations. The next day, starting centre back/left guard Jimmy McClead was sniped with a bb gun in his hamstring, causing a serious welt and thus missed a week in practice.

No shooter has been confirmed, but one nearby coach claimed the shot came from a nearby grassy nole; Coach Leblanc wasn’t at practice that day due to it being Chest Day (respect), but fellow members at his gym do recall seeing him that day repping out incline with smeared eye paint.

Troop

Since returning from active duty in the US Army, it’s been a whirlwind for league owner Tyler Larned. He’s readjusting to civilian life at a pace anyone would expect after being overseas for the better part of four years.

Larned is going back to school, making good on the GI Bill he so rightfully earned; he just closed on a house in Columbia, SC and is settling into his first pair of Air Monarchs.

He’s also run a full marathon in the middle of the night, for reasons unbeknownst to other owners besides the fact it enabled him to buy new running shoes to then snap to Max.

He also has had to be escorted off several elementary and middle school campuses, not for any criminal matters, but for attempting to sign up for multiple spelling bees.

Other area youth leagues have complained of Larned showing up, jumping in front of junior varsity high jump and tennis participants only to assert himself as the area “Alpha”.

True to his core, he’s also purchased Nike Polos of every South Carolina Division-I university, as well as Division III Bob Jones Bruins.

His prep for the draft has included boycotting the preparation, in a silent protest to the auction draft he voted against. To his credit, for the years he’s regretted his picks the most, he’s done the best.

Odds have Tyler wearing Furman University to the draft, with a dark horse sitting at The Citadel due to military ties; USC would be too on-the-nose, and Clemson would be too mainstream. The betting table closes at 11:59 pm on Thursday.

Rowdy Rhinos

Sources have placed Alex Sloan (Wizard of the Waiver, Sir Stonk, Dr. Scholes) late at night at the Sound Financial office. Police have been called to the Six Forks Office Center out of concern for lights still being on in the early morning hours of weekdays.

CLBB reporters have been able to speak with clients of Sound, stating they haven’t received a call back for weeks on their Stonks, stating the Stonks don’t move themselves.

“All Sloan told me was ‘if you have an issue, tell him Alex Sloan sent you.’ What the fuck does that mean?”

It’s reported one client took this to heart too far, and after being denied entry to his dentist for not having an appointment, repeated to the receptionist “Alex Sloan sent me” until he was escorted out of the office by police.

The reason for the late nights and unreturned calls, many surmise, is the numbers are being crunched to a fine powder. The $200 budget has been run, re-run, and run again by Sloan, his team and his endearing secretary, Gladys.

It’s said the office has run thousands of mock drafts over the last month, with one notable mock ending with Gladys cucking Sloan out of multiple picks. The 20-year vet of Sound, Gladys picked up on the strategy quickly. As she topped it off by stealing Michael Gallup right out from under Sloan’s nose in the late rounds, Sloan escorted her right out of the office for the evening, playing her out with a toy flute. Co-workers are unsure if they’ll ever get back to stonking, but they hope this storm passes post-draft.

T-Rav

To prepare for the auction draft, the two-time champion and representation of “giant Keanu Reeves in blazer“ has been overlapping his day job and his mock drafting. A genius move, one Dalton realized he could capitalize on after realizing he could leverage the education of tomorrow’s leaders with intel for this year.

Dalton began to organize different fundraisers, causes for donation and/or activities requiring community support for his students. His endgoal? Not to embezzle funds, but to obtain information.

Dalton began to organize these events, sending heartfelt DMs, messages and emails of all kinds to NFL players around the league, centering on controversial players he was on the fence about.

Notably, Dalton was able to get starting Ravens running back (and fantasy darling) J.K. Dobbins to Zoom in to Mrs. Creech’s fundraiser for her medical expenses stemming from an attack by a rogue and mentally unstable ostrich. The event, dubbed “Reach for Mrs. Creech” was a rousing success, capped off by Dobbins’ appearance

After J.K. joined the webinar to the roar of Dalton’s students, it’s been confirmed that Dalton began to pepper the second-year back with questions on his route tree expertise, improving his red zone efficiency, and if he’s ready to be a three-down back.

Needless to say, Dalton came away unconvinced J.K. would live up to all the hype of a true RB2, and shortly thereafter Dobbins suffered a season-ending Lisfranc injury to his foot. The man not only assigns homework, he does his own.

False Demi-God

Our commissioner prepped for this upcoming draft in the method he’s most comfortable: online.

After the vote, the self-proclaimed savior among Bots began to explore the salary cap mock draft scene, forming a community of fellow online savants via Discord.

As he was prepping, our commish began to search for a new job, as Workman’s boss, known as Triple P, over at the Flip n Fly was becoming more and more unreasonable. 

The spat came to a head one Tuesday when Triple P confronted Steve, and Workman promptly stood up, said “miss me with that, boy-eeeee!” and consequently Hit the Whoa out of his own office.

When talking about career options with parents Gary and Lisa, Workman wasn’t sure where he wanted to take his talents to next. When Gary suggested a career in insurance, sources confirmed Steve simply replied “okay boomer” before turning up a Doja Cat song on his phone.

He turned to his Discord friends, both for fantasy draft practice and advice on where to turn next.

Luckily, Workman’s found a new career at Ajilon, which sounds like a country pedaling Middle East Crypto but is actually a recruiting firm/staffing agency. It seems to be a good fit, and Workman is optimistic, ready to help the next generation and also share his favorite Tik Toks.

Workman’s adapted the draft soundboard as feedback for interviewees, much to the delight of his bosses at Ajilon. The proper use of “peppas” can land the right candidate, every time.

Max

“Truck guy” has put in the man hours to ensure he’s prepared for the draft with mock drafts, podcasts, countless hours of Madden, and threw it all in with a splash of involuntary bias.

Multi-tasking at all hours of the day, it’s not uncommon to see Seng up early on a Saturday or Sunday morning, lacing up the grass-stained Nike’s, booting up a fantasy pod and getting a 7 am mow in.

History shows that Seng has proven to be the guy who covets the “sexy draft”, the one who inevitably rosterbates and is told he’s had a great draft, only to go 6-8 and finish fifth.

The CEH pick last year was a textbook case of that, one Seng is looking to avoid this year. Old habits die hard, so he’s cast his underbite son, Arnie, to throw some unforeseen circumstances at him to prepare him. Travis Kelce is going for X price? Do we like Kelce? Do we not? What are we willing to spend?

Seng’s shareholders have grown tired of him toting his consolation bracket record to them; they want to get back to winning in the winner’s bracket. 

It’s a put-up or shut-up year for truck guy, which is why he’s coming to Raleigh with the trailer hitch latched. The amount of energy we’re bringing to Raleigh will test the truck’s payload capacity.

Load

No longer a full load, McFarland returns to North Carolina fresh off a second championship. They say the great ones always find an edge, find a reason to stay motivated. 

For Pop, sources in Boston say railing Dunkin Donuts and coddling Little Luna isn’t all he’s been up to these days. He’s also taken an interest in pottery, becoming a full-fledged Ceramics Bro.

Taking a step back from the daily number-crunching of fantasy football coupled with the grind of SOC Reports, monitoring technical infrastructure, increasing client efficiency, testing the effectiveness of other tests, that can wear on a man. McFarland believes that by taking a step back, he’s taken a step forward.

Other owners remain skeptical that when it gets down to nut-cuttin time, Pop’s introspection through ceramics will get thrown out the window, and he’ll become the foam-at-the-mouth “fighting for our lives” animal that we all know.

Pop’s a guy who likes to push buttons, as a result there’s been multiple police reports filed by nearby onlookers as he drives up the price of normal consumers in their day-to-day lives in preparation for the auction draft. He’s not worried about correctly valuing players, he’s simply getting reps pissing people off.

According to a July Boston PD incident report, McFarland was two spots behind a Masshole buying a cuppa joe at a local shop. When the cashier gave the man the price for the coffee and pack of Marlboro specials, McFarland offered to beat the asking price by $2. The two men looked at Supersized Freddy Mercury, incredulous, then turned back. McFarland then threw two more dollars in.

At that time, a scuffle ensued, and by the time the men were separated, McFarland had a $12 cup of coffee in his hand, a pack of smokes and a near-deviated septum (again).

That opened up a pandora’s box of sorts, as McFarland hasn’t paid under 125% for an item since. Some guys just want it that bad. He says he’s still level-headed, he’s in a better place, but actions show us he still likes to push those buttons. We’ll see which side bares itself out more.

Father Mully

A family man through and through, Mully has incorporated the whole gang into the auction prep process. On yard work Saturdays, Kev puts out two scarecrows he and Jazz Tie Bill built together, taping photos of two NFL players each day. 

Whichever player Beau and Brew (Co-Presidents of Good Boy Ops) meander over to and sniff, Kev logs. As of now, they’re only a few picks away from having Kev’s complete draft board done. 

Wife Han gifted her husband a sleek and professional watch last Christmas, surely a thoughtful gift. What she’s revealed to CLBB sources is that it actually has a small shock mechanism in it so that when Kev tries to draft players that were good five years ago or says he intends to, he receives a small shock. Since Christmas Day, that strategy has become increasingly more effective. Any remark on Randall Cobb, Steven Jackson, Adrian Peterson, or (sadly) Todd Gurley has proven to trigger it.

Additionally, Kev has been logging mock drafts like many other owners, flexing those CFP muscles he’s working on adding. As Han and Kev prepare for the arrival of The Bean next year, owners have already plotted the purchase of a baby-sized Todd Gurley jersey to commemorate the eternal 2018 title run Todd went on.

It’s bought the last place trophy’s namesake some breathing room, that despite having the worst record in the league, he has a chip. And for that, the Mullaney’s stan Todd.