Commish's Corner: Newsletter Exclusive

 Commish’s Corner Newsletter Exclusive:

Bragging Rights Pre-Draft 2024 Season Outlook

By: Steven Worjman

8/11/2024

It’s that time of the year again- where the mocks begin to flow, the simulations are ran, and the numbers crunched. The 2024 fantasy football draft is upon us, and I wanted to write an opinion column outlining what each team in the #1 fantasy league in the country has to gain, has to lose, and how their outlook could be summarized in a sentence. The draft order has been finalized, the location secured, and the new beer mile time to beat set. It’s draft week bitches.

8. Steve Workman: Coming off a brutal, but not necessarily surprising, last place finish to secure his 2nd Mully title, Workman looks to finally win the big one. Last year’s first 2 picks came to him in a dream prophecy- only to have his first round pick have every ligament torn in his knee week 2. What will his strategy be this year? For starters, he’s picking 8 for the first time in franchise history. He was able to snag 5th choice after putting in 5.1 miles in the remaining hour and a half of the Strava competition to assert his athletic prowess over another owner. Some owners think he’ll go RB, WR. Others think RB, RB. But sources say only Workman truly knows which direction he’ll go. He may even say he won’t even know until he’s on the clock. Will he finally win a title of true magnitude? Or will the ripple effect of Harambe getting killed and sending him into the Only Me timeline as the one true heir to the Only Me once again decide his season? 

Outlook: This is his year (for the 12th year in a row)

7. Tyler Larned: The only other non championship winning coach in this league. His team will have a lot to play for, and the former troop is ready to finally back up his shit talking and win a title. Unlike Workman, he has no Only Me titles under his belt (most PA for a season). History is on his side in that department, but will history continue to be so kind after squandering away so many PF seasons? Two scoring titles, tied for the second most playoff appearances (6), yet no title. Will he stick with his ever failing play all Cowboys strategy? Go back to simping for himself by drafting himself in the 14th round when actual players are still on the board? It’s a big year for Larned. He’s hopeful his team plays as strong as his stance that TE should be able to be played in the WR spot.

Outlook: Don’t fuck up picking right before Patrick and he should have a successful season.

6. Kevin Mullaney: The one hit wonder himself. The Gotye of the league decided to pick 5th this year, and he has his sights set to draft as well as he did during the auction draft. He has his one championship to his name, and he’s fighting to get away from the one hit wonder talk. Reporters won’t let up, but some sources say it’s not affecting his front office. He has a giant poster of the “And I’ll fuckin do it again” cracked out Goofy meme hung up in his office to inspire confidence throughout the season. Instead of focusing on not getting his record 5th Mully, he’s focusing on that second title to join the ranks of some others in the league. While some joke about him loving aging big name players, one question truly remains: where the fuck does he take Marlon Mack this year?

Outlook: Wants him having only one title to just be somebody that he used to know

5. Jacques Leblanc: The only owner in the league whose name sounds French but is 100% American also happens to have the reddest blood. He was a late bloomer in fantasy, reaching the playoffs in four straight years from 2019-2022 before missing them this past season. Also winning a title during that run, he’s really started to be a model of consistency in a league where randomness is far too common. That’s why when he’s not setting up speed traps for the teenage neighborhood hooligans, he turns to something that not many others thought to do: getting rizzy with the simulations. Sources say he has spent countless hours doing mocks, projections, pivot tables, and simulations with every conceivable first round pick going to every owner. His “you up?” is “where do you see Josh Jacobs going this year?”. The king of exclaiming defeat at 8:49pm during Thursday Night Football only to end up winning 113-91 looks to win that elusive second title he so desperately covets.

Outlook: How many simulation models could a rizz god rizz if a rizz god could rizz God?

4. Travis Dalton: The one member that won’t be present at this year’s draft (and will be surely missed). Having taken to the skies for a new career path, the two time champ has entrusted owners Steve Workman and Alex Sloan to draft for him this year. A twist we haven’t seen since Patrick drafted 3/4 of Tyler’s team in 2018, the rest of the league anxiously awaits to see how Slick Rick Sloan uses drafting after Travis to his advantage. Sloan swears he won’t have any input when the pick is coming towards him, just like he swears he doesn’t have a picture of him asleep in his closet after one too many beers in 2014. A lot of weight seems to fall on Workman in this instance to uphold the integrity of the league. Despite polling suggesting he be replaced as commissioner, he will never fail the league. Dalton will have his first, and maybe second, week lineups set by his newly wed wife Victoria. The quest to a third title starts with her, and she and the rest of the league look forward to having his phone back to catch up on his 5,000 texts.

Outlook: Navy > Army

3. Max Seng: He’s real fucking tired of hearing how washed he is. No really- if you’re reading this, stop saying he’s lost his touch. Don’t remind him his second title has an official, notarized asterisk next to it. Don’t remind him he’s never won a regular season championship (many would say a far more impressive accomplishment than a title). Don’t remind him that before last year he didn’t make the playoffs for 5 straight years. STOP IT. He doesn’t want to hear it anymore. He’s selecting 4th overall this year, and he’s poised to get his guy. Sources say based on his track record, he really loves new Panthers rookie Jonathan Brooks here. Rookie, unproven running backs have the freshest legs and the highest floors, and this way he’d be able to tune into more Panthers games to hear the “rahh rahhhh RAHHH” sound of the Panther play everytime there’s a first down. All jokes aside, he’s 3rd here for a reason. He has the two titles under his belt, he bounced back last year, and he’s ready to beat Travis and Sloan to his 3rd title to join Patrick and cement his legacy.

Outlook: Short in stature, tall in stonks- the Men of Increase motto

2. Alex Sloan: The 56 mile man is a year removed from his second championship, and he’s always lurking ready to snag his third. Fresh off picking 1st overall, as well as winning his second career regular season championship, he won the Strava challenge in  the eleventh hour in a massive come from behind victory over Mullaney. He decided to run it back with the first overall pick again- but this begs the question: will he smokescreen again? Every mock has CMC going first in standard. Does he trick all of us again and take a younger, less injury prone RB in Hall or Bijan? Or does he stick to his method from last year and take CMC? Sources say his muscle memory of getting up at 3:00am to pick up FA is still intact, and the lone Friday fella is always ready to drop 130 on you. How will being the only owner to have two children impact his season? Let’s just say when LeBron James welcomed his second child into the world, he went on to make the Finals. Every week he’s ready for any given member of the league, and as Anthony Edwards once said, “Bring ya ass”.

Outlook: Conservative 10 leg parlays are not for the weak of mind, neither is playing against him.

1. Patrick McFarland: coming off becoming the first owner with three championships to his name, he fully cemented that he’s this generation's early 90s MJ. The numbers speak for themselves, and he doesn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon. Some sources believe the new commitment to building USF in College Football 25 will impact how committed he is to remembering to set his lineup (see Tyreek Hill, 2021 season), but McFarland says otherwise. I don’t want to glaze him too much, he already knows the grip he has on this league. Thankfully, an inside source was able to tap into the 6’1 McFarland’s mind during a recent wedding. He was asked “Pat you gotta tell me- what’s the secret”. McFarland quickly responded: “Don’t watch the games.” It’s not often we get a peek inside the mind of an owner, but we thank the correspondent who helped us retrieve that information. He looks to capture his dominant 4th championship, but many hope the parity in this league keeps him from that goal.

Outlook: Fuck he’s drafting two spots after Kevin

Let’s have a hell of a weekend boys.